Interviews

The Spec Script Library
Screenwriter : Alan C. Baird

Alan lives in Glendale, California, USA (a stone's throw from Hollywood),
because of the many natural wonders which are readily at hand.
The extra seasons are especially attractive: flood, mudslide, typhoon,
earthquake, drought, brushfire, tornado, and tar-pit combustion.
It's also exciting to watch as new seasons appear all the time!

. . .

What is your passion?

To avoid eviction for yet another month.

What is your pride?

Never vomiting on the first date.

What is your greatest fear?

Seeing stylishly-clad fat babes at the gym.
Spandex is not a right, it's a privilege.

What does adversity do to you?

I nervously whistle a happy tune.

What is your best quality?

Let me get back to you on that.

What is your worst quality?

Is there a hyphen in anal retentive?

What irksome habits do you have?

There are so many... maybe I should defer this answer, too.

If you could have your time again, what would you do that is different?

Rather than uploading this interview,
I probably should've been downloading porn.

What would you like to change about yourself? About others?

Nothing. Everything.

How important is goal setting to you?

It's critical - especially at 3 AM,
when there are four fascinating TV infomercials from which to choose.

What goals do you have?

Conquest and domination of the Earth.

What is your ultimate goal?

Romancing a nun... but that's like trying to eff the ineffable.

What heroes do you have?

The guy who cuts the weeds which form nose hair
in the faces on Mount Rushmore.
A close second is anyone whose job forces them to say:
"Do you want fries with that?"

What inspires you in others?

A certain dogged persistence which prompted the observation:
"Artificial intelligence beats genuine stupidity."

What inspires you in yourself?

My uncanny knack for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

What will be written on your headstone?

"Six feet down rests a nice guy. Alan's a few feet under him."
Or perhaps I'll just desecrate Bartlett's: "Honi soit qui Malibu."

What does success mean to you?

Never going dumpster-diving again. Except for fun, of course.

How do you measure success?

Inches.

What are your pet hates?

Guys who try to put the "pig" back in "Pygmalion".

What are your pet loves?

Cleaning the ears with Q-tips. It can be nearly orgasmic.

What do you think of pets?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

When are you happiest?

If my agent's party has an unlimited amount of caviar.

When are you hardest to please?

Whenever I've had a bad day, and in the food chain of life, I feel like krill.

What has been your most embarrassing moment?

Other than now?

What's the most exhilarating thing you have done?

Used a Water Pik to clean an electrical socket.

What is it about screenwriting that gets you fired?

The same thing that got me fired from so many other jobs:
the chance to goof off, while pretending to be "working".

What screenplays have you written?

Darn. I thought I could get through this without being serious:
TRADING UP (divorce therapy - too embarrassing to show), MERLINSKY,
ELEVEN THOUSAND VIRGINS, and THE FALL IN BUDAPEST.

What is your favorite pastime?

Whatever puts the puck in the net. (No, not hockey.)

What is your favorite motto?

"Back soon. [signed] Godot."

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If you would like to contact Alan
please email him
. . .

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